Wednesday, March 11, 2015

ROCKY ROAD (not the ice cream kind)

Ufdah.  I dread writing these words.  It will make this all seem that much more real.  I wish it was a simple discussion of a kind of ice cream.  But it's not.

Our Birth Mom has not yet delivered (as far as we know), but she has chosen to parent her baby girl.


There.  I said it.  Wish saying it could ease the pain that is piercing my mama heart.  But it doesn't.  Nothing does.

Here we are again.  A-G-A-I-N!!!!!!

There were an escalade of events that gave us insight into this possibly happening, so we weren't quite as blind-sided as the first time............but the blow is still a devastating one.  The blow still threw us into a tailspin.  A whirlwind of hurt, frustration, confusion, hopelessness, fear and doubt.

The last four days have been spent knowing that birth mom was second-guessing her decision to place, and the silence in her avoidance of all calls or texts were leading us toward this conclusion.  It felt like we were miscarrying again, and we were just waiting for the doctor's confirmation.

NOT a fun place to be.

We received word from our agency yesterday afternoon, that indeed, birth mom made her decision.  She was no longer going to place her child for adoption.  Her pastor's wife has assured her help in getting on her feet.

Who can argue with that?!?  Who can deny birth mom that!?!?  She was placing because she could not do it alone.  She is no longer alone.  She has the support needed.  We cannot blame her for her change of heart.  Though it leaves our hearts completely crushed.

We truly only want what is best for this sweet mama and her child.  It appears we now know what that is.  And now we struggle with how to be happy for her and baby, while nurturing our aching hearts.  Our hearts that have a God-created void that only Baby Sis can fill.

Only Baby Sis.  
Not just any child, but the only child God has hand-picked for our family.

This turn of events has surely raised some questions for us to consider.  I will answer a few now, and will continue to answer others as they arise in our hearts and minds.

Why did this have to happen again?  We wish we had the answer.  We are asking God to speak to us through this.  To teach us anything He would have for us in this situation, on this journey.

We have such an amazing family right now!  Are we sure we are on the right path?  Are we sure these hurdles aren't a sign?  Jeff and I had a heart-to-heart talk about this, anticipating that this adoption may not going through.  We love, love, LOVE our boys and the amazing chemistry our family already has!!!!  And this new detour in Sis' adoption has  certainly rattled our confidence and hope.  Yet, when grappling with the idea of jumping off this adoption road, we cannot not deny the ill-at-ease feeling that accompanies such thoughts.  Nor can we deny the absolute divine peace that accompanies thoughts of staying the course.  It's a God thing.

The Rocky Roads often have the best views from the mountaintop!

Though weary, and fearful, we cannot deny feeling lead to remain on this path to our daughter.  We do not know what that will look like.  We cannot predict the timing.  We certainly struggle to imagine being able to love and trust another birth mom ~ though I had the same concerns last Fall, and God opened my heart to this women in amazing ways!  I know He will help my heart do it again.  Some day.  Some way.

We endured a lot of uphill battles on our journey to our boys, and the obstacles and extended waiting was beyond worth it!  Our boys are forever worth it!  We are assured that Sis will be too!

God's paths are the narrow ones.  He doesn't guarantee ease and removal of trials just because we believe in Him.  He does, however,  promise to never leave us.  But to always walk with us.  Leading the way when we need His guidance; carrying us when we cannot stand; and other times, skipping alongside of us holding our hand, laughing with us in the joys of life.

We choose to continue to hold His hand on this journey.  We feel we are walking blindly, too tired to figure it all out.  But that is exactly where He wants us to be.  Laying it all at His feet.

The love, support and encouragement we have received in the last twenty four hours, as we begin to share the news, is amazing!  We are astounded by the love that surrounds us!

Encouraging words such as these:

"I don't understand why this journey (adoption) is simple and easy for some and so difficult with twists and turns for others."

"You are not on the wrong path, it's just taking another unexpected turn.  God is with you all along the way.  You needed another detour to get to your baby girl.  That doesn't make it any easier today.  You have so much love in your heart for YOUR daughter.  Your daughter WILL come home!!! And she WILL be so worth every single tear and pain to get her home!"

"Wanted to encourage you to continue to hold on to hope and when you just don't have the strength let those of us who have walked this hard road to adoption hope for you.  He will be faithful."

I could go on and on with the beautiful words of encouragement that have touched us deeply.  This, mixed in with a whole lotta love and prayers has sustained us, and will continue to do so in the days to come.  We THANK YOU for so beautifully loving us, our family and our some day daughter-to-be.

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Owlhaven said...

So sorry you're going through such a tough time....

Debb said...

Thank You, Mary. HARD STUFF. Knock-down, fall to our knees kind of hard. And yet, we know this is our chosen road. And so we walk. Weary, Afraid, Confused, we walk. Trusting who is holding our hand in it all. The steps aren't easy, but the peace is undeniable. Thanks for reaching out. Means a lot! <3

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