TEARS

I can't believe I have to write this.  I don't know how to even write this.

I have even had a couple of days to process this and I am still numb.  Speechless.  Though my heart has had many words to say through tears.

The boys and I arrived in Florida Sunday evening, and we were just walking into the hotel when Jeff called with life-changing news.

Birth Mom had delivered the baby on Friday and had just contacted the lawyer to say that she and birth dad had decided to parent this baby girl.

Tears roll as I type this news.

I am in shock.  I am numb.  I am devastated.  

I am angry, hurt, confused and bewildered.

We knew that this could happen, it's just that the birth parents had been so resolute about their decision. That is, up until a week or two before delivery.

I don't hold a grudge toward the birth parents.  My heart has gone out to them innumerable times as I try to imagine their situation.

I don't hold anger towards God for allowing this to happen.  I am trying HARD to cling to my belief that He brought us to this adoption journey and He will only allow the gifting of THE SPECIFIC baby girl that HE has chosen for our family.  

But I do have anger.  Anger toward the outcome.  Anger toward the loss.  Oh, the dreams that are lost.

Not that I have lost faith that God is guiding us, but the dreams for this particular babe are gone.  They were taken away from me so suddenly and unexpectedly.

This ~ this heartbreak and agony and deep loss ~ is part of our journey to the precious child God has for us.  I just wish we could have skipped this dark chapter of the journey.

For, amongst the anger, stirs so many stronger emotions such as devastation.  Deep hurt.  Confusion and bewilderment.

This sudden and unexpected turn of events has brought such a heaviness upon my heart that I find it hard to breathe.  I struggle to understand.  I repeatedly ask why this had to end this way.

After all, I may not have carried this baby in my belly, but I certainly carried her deeply within my heart.  Just as a bio mom loves her unborn child and anticipates the meeting of her, so did I.  Just as a birth mom can't wait to meet the sweet face she has been imagining for months, I did too.  Just as a child grows her own little space within her birth mom's heart, this sweet baby girl grew her very own space in my heart as well.

And now what do I do with this love????????????

My head is still spinning.  My heart is still trying to cling to God while trying to trust that He has not forgotten us, but is, instead, working in ways that I cannot see, to bring the very baby girl He desires to gift us, home.

My head knows this.  To the core.  But my heart is trying to get that confident faith back.

Jeff has been trying to touch base with many of you to spare me the sad sharing of our news.  Thank you, sweetheart.  I have not had it in me to share this change of events with very many, for saying or even texting the words make it all seem too real for me to face.  I don't have the words.  Only tears.  

Please know that I cannot even begin to thank you enough, family and friends, who have been covering us in prayer these past two days!!!   Your calls and texts have literally lifted me.  And I have to share that I have physically felt your prayers ~ especially today!    I found breathing a little easier.  I found my faith building strength.  I felt hope again.  I even laughed out loud with my boys.  Thanks to your prayers, kind words in texts, emails and voice messages.  

We are blessed to call you family and friends!!!!

Jeff is still in Boise, and sweet husband of mine, you have managed to be my rock even being on the opposite corner of this continent.  THANK YOU for upholding me from afar.  For breathing God's Word and His faithfulness into me, and for encouraging me to grieve in whatever manner I need to. 

You truly are my soul mate.  I've hated not having you here with us during this time, but you made your presence evident.  Your protection and provision for us has been nothing short of stellar, and I cannot find words to sufficiently express my appreciation of you, babe.

As I have said all along, it is our boys that built my faith in God's divine and specific orchestration of family, whether created biologically or via adoption.  And now, in my grief, it is still our boys who serve as my constant reminder of God's faithfulness.  It was a long and bumpy road to these precious boys, and I have always said that every tear shed during the wait for them was worth it, because God abundantly blessed us beyond our wildest imagination with our sons!

It is because of our boys that I can still hold strong to God in this.  I do not understand, nor do I like this chapter of our family story.  But I do know that I know He would only allow this to happen if He had a better version of our story in the works.

This match seemed to meet all of my personal desires.  I refuse to stop believing that one day  God will gift us an even better match.  Better, because it will bring us to our precious and already loved baby girl whom God has already chosen for us.

Until then, please pray for this sweet baby girl.  That she has a wonderful life filled with love and laughter.

And please keep my family and me in your prayers as we find a way to allow this new twist to settle.  Please pray for protection of our hearts.  May fear not be allowed to sneak in {please include Big Brother in this prayer}.  

Peanut knew that MAYBE God was going to bring us Baby Sis during our time in Florida.  MAYBE not.  So learning that it was a Maybe Not, he was not rattled.  He was not moved.  He is content to keep waiting.  

Oh the childlike faith we are called to have.  May I find it again.  Soon.