Friday, June 21, 2013

My Everything. For His Anything.

Wow.  I am doing another great online women's bible study!  I have found such a GREAT group of gals to study with, and this is our fourth study together!  This time we are studying the bible while also reading the book "Anything: the prayer that unlocked my God and my soul."  It is written by a very talented and God-loving author, Jennie Allen. 

It is a great book that encourages us to look at everything that may keep us from being willing to do anything for God.  Anything.

I knew that I would be gripped by this book.  It was just one of those feelings you get before you even hold the book in your hand.   Well, it hasn't failed me yet.  Each chapter, thus far, has stirred my heart, mind and soul.

One of the chapters for this week was on "Abandoning fear"......a common keynote player in keeping us from being open to anything for God.   This chapter moved me to tears.  

Tears for the AGONY I experienced throughout my journey to becoming a momma.  Tears for the BEAUTY that God brought to our broken (or so it seemed) path to parenthood.  I will never forget the painful and long path to becoming parents to our wonderful boys.

Yet, I will also NEVER forget the absolute completeness and healing and bonding/attachment and beauty and joy God provided with His amazing answer to our prayers for children!  Thank You, God!

So much beauty came from our journey to parenthood, and I honestly felt (prior to reading this book) that I was completely sold out for God!  That this past year of living out the dream we chased for five years was solid confirmation that nothing was more important than God; and nothing could interfere with me trusting Him with my everything!..................

Why, then, am I realizing (with the help of this great book) that the fear of such pain can still sneak in and even scare me at times?  I have witnessed first-hand God's faithfulness!  I was carried by Him in days I could not even stand on my own!  He breathed life and faith into me when breath was too far-reaching for my very lungs!  He filled my aching heart and empty arms with an overflowing joy unknown to me prior to bringing our sons home! 

This chapter on fear has made me think.  It has made me dig deep.  Deep into those areas I don't like to go.  So I sat there and welcomed God into those hurts.  And He gently revealed to me that there are still small areas within my heart that are afraid.  Afraid that God will ask me to endure such pain again.  Pain in the form of losing another child, or aching beyond description to hold one that is alive and waiting......for me.......halfway around the world.  So far out of my reach.

A pain I cry now just remembering.

If I am honest, I realized that part of me is afraid that giving God my everything, willing to do His anything could  hurt.  It could cost me.  Big time.  It could break me.  Again.  

And yet, I cling to the absolute BEAUTY He redeemed from my ashes.  I choose to remember how He never asked me to endure anything that He wasn't willing to walk alongside me, or even carry me, through!  I thanked Him for revealing to me this fear that could hinder me from following Him completely.

And I say YES!

YES, Lord!  I give you my everything.  For Your Anything!!!


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