Monday, October 4, 2010

LAYING IT ALL AT HIS FEET

Okay, so I would like to share a story with you.

I thought I was pregnant. Again. But then got the monthly notification that I was not. Again. Just this last month.

That isn't where the story ends. Actually, that is only where the story begins. How this made me feel is the REAL story!

I was a week late (I'm rarely late...unless I am PG), and my boobs were letting me know that my hormones were definitely changing. Is that too blunt to say on a blog? Well, there it is. Do with it what you like. Skip that part if you need to! Ha!

I went hiking one day, before my monthly friend came along, in belief ~ mixed with disbelief ~ that I could be pregnant. I was "chatting" with God about this. Of course I would have been ECSTATIC to be pregnant!......HOWEVER.......I also struggled to wrap my brain around the idea of having to postpone getting our son or children from Ethiopia!

I mean, ceasing the adoption until the baby was born and 6 months old, which is required by Ethiopia (ET), would put our adoption out for another 2 years or so! As totally JOYFUL as carrying a biological baby would be, for both Jeff and me; I still struggled with these feelings of emptiness and un-ease about our child or children on the other side of the world. It just didn't feel like we were suppose to be postponing our adoption! It has felt SO CLEAR to us both of us, since January, that NOW is the time to be building our family with children born in Ethiopia. Children born at just the right time ~ made by God for JEFF AND ME to love and raise ~ FOREVER!

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't fighting the pregnancy, if I was, indeed pregnant. (I was too afraid to take the test and have it say "no" AGAIN. Or harder yet, have it say "yes"...only to be "no" a few days later. So, to avoid disappointment, I was postponing the test.)

By the end of the hike, I had shared all my good, as well as confused, feelings with my Loving Heavenly Father. He helped me reach the point where I was able to, once again, lay down the building of our family at His feet. I was reminded that He is in control. THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! The timing of things is entirely up to Him, and however and whenever things happen, it will be perfect!

He reminded me that He wants me to acknowledge my hearts desires. Afterall, He placed them there. (hmmmm....this is a recurring theme as of late....I wonder when I will finally "get it" that God WANTS me to continue to dream BIG!) God also reassured me that, as I pursue these dreams, He wants me to proceed without caution. Without yield!

I ended the hike with a peace that can only come from Him.

When my period eventually arrived, although a part of me was sad to not be PG, a bigger part of me was so happy to know that we get to continue to pursue the child or children who have already stolen my heart, from halfway across the world! WOW! What a great place to be! Totally and completely enthralled with God's plan for our journey to parenthood! {giggle of joy}

During this hike, I felt like God was asking me what I wanted. Not what I though HE wanted for me or us. God was asking me to search MY heart and share with Him what I wanted. I shared, at the risk of being vulnerable, that I desire siblings or a son from Ethiopia first.......and THEN a biological child.....if it be His will.

This may or may not come to pass. That isn't the point. He just wanted me to be open and honest with my heart, at the risk of speaking something that may or may not come to fruition. Just for the sake of being true to my heart. I was. And it felt great!

God wants to remove my fear of dreaming BIG! He is answering our prayers, and previous miscarriages does NOT mean that He does not want to bless us with children! He is blessing us! WOO HOO! Thank you, God!

Jeff and I praise God that He is bringing us closer to the time in which we could receive a referral! And we praise Him for whatever plan, timeline, and family He has chosen for us from the beginning! It feels WONDERFUL to genuinely feel at peace, knowing that God WILL bless us with EXACTLY the children we are meant to have to love!

We are living in EXPECTANCY!.......but not in EXPECTATION!..........more on how God showed me the difference, next post!

10 comments:

Ethiopia here we come! said...

I can completely relate to this post!! While we have three beautiful children now, SO many months of waiting and wondering and hoping! (Our first was adopted, and then we had two bio, and now we are back to adopting again)! I love how God's plan for our family was SO much better than ours:)

Alison said...

Love your precious heart! Thanks for sharing! So glad that you are in such a JOYOUS place with God's perfect plan for your family! Can't wait to watch it all unfold! :)

*Overflowing* said...

Love this post because I can totally relate! I remember so many different times during our adoption waits that I thought I might be pregnant and the mix of emotions is unbelievable! I remember times that I would find myself begging the Lord NOT to allow me to become pregnant because that would mean losing the child we were waiting for. He would then ever-so gently remind me that His plans are great and to simply trust that truth. Hugs mama!!

Garth and Carmen Druckenmiller said...

What a wonderful post! I totally understand your feelings. While I have never been pregnant, now that we are this far in the adoption, I would definitely have mixed feelings about getting pregnant now! Thanks for your transparency!

Debb said...

So nice to hear from you guys......and know that you "get it!" Thank you for sharing your stories with me! Encouraging! :o) Yes, God's plan for each one of our families is unique, different.........and.......PERFECT!!!

WE ARE ALL SO BLESSED!

Prayers to each of you!

Angela said...

Awww Debb!
Thanks so much for sharing this and I know I keep saying this BUT I CAN HARDLY WAIT to see your children....
God will BLESS you! I am sure of it!

Love you!

Mandie M. said...

Wow, Debb, I completely relate!! I have also had times where I thought I was pregnant in this process (twice!!) I have had to lay down my plans before him as well :)

jkseevers said...

Debb,
Thanks for being soo transparent. Your story is truly amazing. And as you and your hubby travel half way around the world and are finally able to hold your babe/babies for the very first time, I'm sure the angels in heaven will be having a huge party and tears will be flowing! It's going to be a moment that you'll never forget! I hope that you'll have someone take pics and video, so that you can share it with all of us:)
Blessings and GODSPEED!
Katie

Alison said...

Thank you for this post. As I ran across it, it was such an encouragement to my heart to dream big. God is able to do much more than we can even think or imagine!

Doug and Danielle said...

Deb,
This is a great post. We found out we were pregnant during our adoption and we devastated that we would have to put our adoption on hold. When we finally gave it all to God and were at peace with His plan we lost the baby! God has used this in so many ways. Thanks for sharing your story and I can't wait to see the children has for your family.
Danielle

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