Tuesday, September 6, 2011

ETHIOPIA ~ Day 7 (Saturday)

Wow.  I woke up this morning with a HUGE ugly pit in my tummy.  I kept trying to stay in communication with my Heavenly Father, as that seemed to be the only thing that could bring my heavy heart peace.  I awakened this particular morning even before the rooster and dog!

Both Jeff and I got up earlier than normal this morning.  I asked Jeff if he wanted to join me for some "God time" on the rooftop, and he was happy to join me.  As we climbed the stairs to the rooftop, we held hands.  In silence.

Again in silence, we recorded the Muslim chanting {though it sounded eerie at first, it began to sound calm and serene by our visit's end.....if you didn't think of who they were worshipping, that is} and soaked in the fabulous view.  The sunrise was spectacular.

We prayed for Baby K and for the creation of our family, and laid it all at God's feet again that morning.  We praised Him for all He the details He had orchestrated to bring us together as a family.  And for bringing us to this point of our adoption.  We praised Him for passing us with the judge ~ and for all He was doing with MOWCYA to get us that letter.  We thanked Him for bringing us to AWAA and for bringing our son to "A" orphanage and then to AWAA's Transition House.  SUCH good and genuinely loving care.  And cleanliness too.

We asked God for strength to endure the day, knowing it will be our last with our babe for some time ~ and for strength to endure the waiting to bring Baby K home.  We asked God to continue to cover our sweet baby boy in His love, protection and provision.  Both in our absence as well as after bringing him home.  We asked that He might help us ENJOY our last day together and soak in every minute with Baby K, and not let the upcoming "see ya soon" steal from us one second.

He filled us with His peace.

He blessed us with children from KVI (just a few rooftops over from where we stood), who saw us and kept waving to us and trying to vie for our attention, waves and yes.....blown kisses.  When they saw me blow kisses to them, they blew some right back to me!  Melt. my. heart!!!!

One particular boy "S," kept standing there looking at us.  Then he would move to another part of the yard.  And wait to see if we would find him and shower him with love and attention from afar.  Which we did.  This went on for some time, and other precious children joined him.  It moved my already tender heart to tears.  With one final blown kiss, and one final prayer, we walked downstairs to start our final day in Ethiopia.......

Instead of going to the "Holy Trinity Cathedral," Jeff and I and some of the others from the travel group opted to go shopping.  We had made a list before arriving in ET, and though our first shopping adventure was a success, it was a quick one, and we still had items we wanted to get.  The other half of the group toured the Cathedral and came back to pick us up so we could all go to lunch together at the Avanti Restaurant.

Because it was a weekend day (Saturday), we could not go to the Transition House until the afternoon.  Needless to say, by the time we were heading to our Baby "K," we were more than ready to see him!   We rushed right into the infant room and I swiftly picked him right up, bringing him close to me.  He was all smiles as I did so.

And then Jeff saw it.  The copious amounts of "yuck" oozing from Baby "K's" poor little ear!  We showed the nanny right away and she immediately got us to the doctor, who then immediately began cleaning out his ear and giving him medicine.  Sweet boy didn't even cry when they cleaned out his ear......it was taking the medicine that brought his tears.  My momma's tears filled my eyes just watching him try to be so brave as they cleaned out the gunk.  Totally ripped my heart that there was nothing I could do to take his problem away.

Oh, how I bet there are going to be many more of those times of helplessness as we raise our sweet boy. Lord, help us be strong.  For our precious babe.  Always.

Even though it was obvious Baby "K" had a massive ear infection, he was so giggly, cuddly and interactive with us.  We engaged in more "babble play," more pictures and more hugs, cuddles and kisses.  He gently fell asleep in my arms as departure time crept near.  Yonas and David gave us all extra time with our children this day.  I think they could feel our heavy hearts and wanted to give us as much time as we could possibly have this last day with our babes.  THANK YOU, Yonas and David!

When we were given the final "it is time.  we really must go" Jeff and I walked ever so slowly into the infant room.  I gently laid Baby "K" in his crib.......and he immediately began to cry.  Not fuss.  Full-on cry.  I leaned over him and quietly spoke love over him, hoping the sound of my voice would calm him, but it didn't.  We just couldn't leave with our son crying, so I swept him back up into my arms.....and he IMMEDIATELY stopped crying.  And he nestled right into my chest.

"Wow," Jeff said, "YOU are exactly what he wanted.  That is amazing.  And beautiful.....Honey, he knows you are his momma!"  The whole scene melted my heart for sure.  While it broke my heart at the same time.  "I know," I replied, "but it breaks my heart that he wants me and I have to leave him.....and  we won't be back tomorrow......we don't know when we will be back!"

And the tears came.

I tried so hard to be strong.  I tried so hard to remain calm.  While my insides were going crazy out-of-control berzerk!  I held "K" and softly spoke to him.  And prayed {again} over him, as he drifted back to lala land.  When I thought he was deep enough asleep, I tried to lay him down again in his crib.  He fussed this time, but not a full-on cry.  We waited.  He continued to fuss.  The nannies were there if he needed them.

And we had to go.  We had to leave our sweet baby there.  In good care, yes.  But we could not stay there.  We could not be the ones to meet his needs.  We could not keep him and bring him home.  Nor could we could return tomorrow to shower him with more of our love.  And prayers........

.........And I lost it.  I completely broke down in Jeff's arms.

I am bawling right now.  Typing through a raging river of tears, as I so vividly remember the ache that began that day.  And continues today.  Typing as I re-live the gaping hole that made itself a home in my heart as we said, "See ya soon, Baby K.  We WILL be back.  We will see you soon."  That hole in my heart that I walk around with daily since leaving Ethiopia.  Since leaving our son......

I am amazed at how WHOLE I felt that week, prior to this moment.  How beautifully the three of us melded together as a family right from the start.  How amazing it felt when they placed Baby "K" in our arms ~ like "We did it!  We're here!  God, Jeff, me and Baby "K".....Team Marquez.  Family."

Jeff kept saying all week how I glowed.  How I took to motherhood so naturally.  I assured him it was because I was finally "home."  I was with my ever-loving husband and we were with our precious, beautiful son.  Gifted to us from across the world, by our Heavenly Father.  I was finally holding and looking into the face of the baby boy I had waited so long to meet.

I was a mother.  But not just any mother........I was Baby K's momma.  Just as it was meant to be from the very beginning.  My life was FULL.

And now, just days later, we were being asked to say "See ya soon."  We were being asked to leave our son, travelling half way across the world.  WOW.  I have never done anything harder!

And so, with God's help, we boarded the plane to Frankfurt, Germany.  Still feeling the beat of our son's heart on mine, his bodyweight on my chest and his sweet little hand on my shoulder.

Unsure of how long until we would return.  Unsure of HOW to even survive each day until then.

Yet we were certain of this.........God would hear our cry for Him to cover our sweet son with His love, protection and provision.  Sure that in my weakness, I could not survive one day without God's strength uplifting me.

Certain that we knew ~ beyond a shadow of a doubt ~ that this precious little boy was meant to be OUR SON.  Our Baby "K"would be HOME.  It was just a matter of when.........

Lord, hold all three of us as we await your plan.


Karen said...

Goosebumps and tears as I read your blog tonight. So sorry for your hurting momma heart. I know that pain. K will be in your arms soon and then nothing will ever keep him from you again - all as God planned from the very beginning. Holding you up in prayer, my friend - and sharing your pain. love, Karen Wistrom

Alison said...

Oh, this brought me to tears, Debb! Praying for your hurting Momma heart as you are waiting on having your son in your arms once again!

erica said...

Oh, Debb. How well I know those emotions! Praying that soon, we will both have our little guys in our arms for good!! May you feel God's peace and nearness each day, and may He hold Baby K tightly in your absence. :)

April D said...

I am crying with you! Your last moments with your son were the exact same as mine with Judah and Addise. I collapsed in Brian's arms after leaving them. I cried silent rivers of tears all the way back to our guest house. I physically got sick as our plane flew out of ET toward Frankfurt. I get it.

Yet tonight J&A are sleeping soundly in the next room, and that moment is almost a glimmer. Your day will come and you will join me in this moment. Praying him HOME!!!

Kelly said...

What a heartfelt post on your pain in leaving your son. I am so sorry. i can't wait until your blog is full of pictures of the three of you!

Kim said...

My goodness, I'm sobbing!! I will be praying so hard that you get reunited with your sweet baby as quickly as possible!

Debb said...

THANK YOU for sharing your hearts (and tears) with me! Thank you for sharing in our experience and praying us through it. Thank you for your hearts and for loving Baby K home. For those of you on your own journey, I pray that God continues to provide for you every step of the way. And for those who are HOME with their babes.......may God continue to bless you and fill you with His guidance of how He wants you to love your babes! *HUGS* to each of you!!!!!!

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